History Buff Horoscope
First published 2007-06-08 on my MySpace blog
Today’s Horoscope is brought to you by Flying High Kites, with its every increasing line of
Horizontally Challenged Balloons, thanks for an over abundance of hot air. -martinlt
Image from clip art collection I had
Aries- After April 1, 1970 no one could watch cigarette ads on television, nor hear them on radio. An out-of-work Marlboro Man will pose as a telemarketer on the 13th. Just sit and tell him your life story. Do not reveal that you washed the dishes during his commercial breaks.
Taurus- On May 10, 1863, Stonewall Jackson died after being accidentally shot by his own troops. Do not test your unit’s security measures without announcing yourself. Phone ahead for reservations.
Gemini - (I have removed any jokes about “Andy Jackson”). On the 16th your personality will split. Take advantage of being Gemini, time to tackle the projects you never seem to have time for.
Cancer- On July 1, 1963 the USPS inaugurated its five-digit zip codes, enabling 90210. If you want a smaller number, you’ll have to move east. A mysterious letter, postmarked 1932 will finally arrive on the 12th. Postage due.
Leo- On August 5, 1861 for the first time the US levied an income tax, a temporary solution. Be sure all your solutions are as temporary. Death, and Taxes, are now mandatory.
Virgo- September 1st the 177th anniversary of “Mary Had A Little Lamb”. Time to cash in your fleece, 3 bags full. National Cheese Pizza Day is September 5th. Just know cheese is usually a product from another animal.
Libra- On October 12, 1492 Columbus landed in present-day Bahamas starting the on-going vacation trend. He spent only 8 weeks at sea. The Pilgrims, decades later, spent over 9. Be sure to stop and smell the urchins along the way.
Scorpio- On November 10, 1871 Stanley found Livingston. This paved the way for the Laugh-In joke “Dr. Livingston I. Presume is Dr. Presume’s full name”. Learn from your past, but find humor in all. It is there.
Sagittarius- On December 5, 1933 prohibition was repealed, paving the way for Orson Welles to pitch wine. You will not have (or be able) to tell him you washed dishes during his commercial breaks. Sagittarious’s deserve a break.
Capricorn- On January 13, 1999 Michael Jordan retired, for the 2nd time. Follow his example, knowing he un-retired two years later. Do not attempt to retire as often as Elton John. Death and taxes are still mandatory.
Aquarius- February 2, Groundhog saw his shadow. On the 3rd, a mountain will reveal its secrets, but you have to be convincing. And legal. Check zoning laws before digging.
Pisces- February 29, 46 BC, the first leap day proclaimed by Julius Caesar. This paved the way for the Leap Year, which is really a leap day. The Leap Second, which is really fast (and in 2024 is being eliminated) and Leap Frog, which children seem to enjoy. In an unrelated twist, on the 29th your mated Angel Fish, separate from the others in the community tank, will finally raise their young without eating them.
